[metallilad]

A primary teacher starts a new job at a school in Nottinghamshire and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Mansfield fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Mansfield fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'

'Because I'm not a Mansfield fan', she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked: 'Well if you're not a Stags fan, then who are you a fan of?'

'I'm a Chesterfield fan, and proud of it', Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears.

'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Spireite?'

'Because my mum and dad are from Chesterfield, my mum is a spireite and my dad is a Chesterfield fan, so I'm a Spireite too!'

'Well, 'said the teacher, in a obviously annoyed tone, 'that's no reason for you to be a Chesterfield fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and you dad was a drug dealer and car thief, what what you be then?'

'Then', Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Mansfield fan.'

....................................................


An Chesterfield van driver used to amuse himself by running over every Sheff Utd fan he would see strutting down the side of the road in their ubiquitous red, black & white colours. He would swerve to hit them, there would be a loud 'thud' and then he would swerve back on the road.

One day, as the driver was driving along, he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the van over. He asked the Priest, 'Where are you going, Father?' I'm going to say mass at St. Joseph's church, about 2 miles down the road' replied the priest. 'No problem Father! I'll give you a lift! climb in!'

The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the van continued down the road.

Suddenly the driver saw a Blades fan walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. But, just in time, he remembered the priest, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the Sheff Utd fan. However even though he was certain he missed the Blades fan, he still heard a loud 'thud'. Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything he turned to the priest and said, 'I'm sorry Father, I almost hit that Sheff Utd fan, ' That's okay' replied the priest. 'I got him with the door!'


...........................................................


French international footballer, Olivier Kapo,[full name: Narcisse-Olivier Kapo-Obou ] gave an apprentice player his car to thank him for polishing his boots throughout the season Will and Guy have discovered.

The Birmingham City player gave the lad, James McPike, his Mercedes worth £30,000 [almost $60,000 USD] as an end-of-season present. He also agreed to pay for a year's insurance when James, 20, said he was unable to afford it

The French midfielder, who is originally from the Ivory Coast in Africa, earns almost £1.5million [$3million USD] a year.

We heard that all James had asked for was Olivier's boots as a souvenir but he ended up with his car. What a magnificent present.

...............................................................

[martatcross]

Cheers mate that really gave me a giggle 😂

[Radders]

Oh great - a joke thread - here's my offering:

God visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and sex if she wants to get into heaven.

The woman said she would try her best.

God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on..

"Not bad" said the woman, "It was really tough but I've managed to give up smoking; as for drinking - well I never drank much anyway - so that was quite easy to give up really."

"And what about sex?" God asked stroking his long white beard

"Well I was doing ok but then I bent over the lounge suite and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs, he pulled up my skirt, pulled my knickers to one side and made love to me right then and there."

"Oooo dear" said God, "They don't like that in heaven", ........

"No," replied the woman: "And they're not too happy about it in IKEA either!"

[The Nemo Kid]

 FullSizeRender.jpg (169.31K)
Number of downloads: 146

[The Rev.]

The Nemo Kid, on 18 November 2014 - 08:34 AM, said:

FullSizeRender.jpg

Priceless!

[clarevoyant.]

Has it's dead on here a blast from the past

On a very hot summers day a young farmhand an aspiring Mr Universe type decided to dispense with the tractor an pull the plough himself

Whist going back and forth with the plough a young girl from the local village walk passed and was overwhelmed by his physique

She sat on the gate to the field in total admiration and decided this was the time to lose her virginity.

On his next pass he didn't appear to notice, so in preparation for his next passing she undid a few buttons on her blouse to reveal her cleavage, again no reaction

This required drastic action so she hitched up her skirt and sat legs akimbo still not a sign of reaction

By now the farmhand sweeting profusely making the girl drool even more had finally reached the end of the field leaving the girl no option but to shout out "Ay up dee(it's Yorkshire by the way) I want f***ing". The farmhand turns round and says "I do I've just ploughed t'wrong field "

Appologies

[Radders]

A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors.

'Doctor, I don't feel too good,' said the little Paper bag.

'Hmm, you look OK to me,' said the Doctor, 'but I'll do a blood test and see what that shows, Come back and see me in a couple of days.'

The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results. 'What's wrong with me?' asked the little paper bag.

'I'm afraid you are HIV positive!' said the doctor.

'No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!' Said the little paper bag.

'Have you been having unprotected sex?' asked the doctor.

'NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!'

'Well have you been sharing needles with other Intravenous drug users?' asked the doctor.

'NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!'

'Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a Jab or a blood transfusion?' queried the doctor.

'NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!'

'Well', said the doctor, 'are you in a homosexual relationship?'

'NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm Just a little paper bag!'

'Then there can be only one explanation.' said the doctor ..............................







'Your mother must have been a carrier'

(I'll get my coat)

[Radders]

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases.
In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.”

This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also.
In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

[Radders]

The Zimbabwe cricket board have just announced that they have discovered Ebola in their cricket team.
This has not caused too much alarm as they have also found Ebatsman and Efielder

[Radders]

A man buys his daughter some cake before going into the barbers to have his hair cut.

The little girl is somewhat miffed that she has to wait around for her dad, so takes to wandering aimlessly round the shop while she eats her cake - occasionally getting very close to the man with the scissors.

The barber looks at her and says, "You know you are going to end up with hair on your muffin!"
"I know" the little girl says joyously, "I'm going to get t*ts too!"

This post has been edited by Radders: 21 November 2014 - 12:17 AM

[trickytrevsfanclub]

😆😆Don't give up the day job Radders.

[BurySpireite]

trickytrevsfanclub, on 21 November 2014 - 02:46 AM, said:

😆😆Don't give up the day job Radders.

I quite enjoyed them!

[metallilad]

The best ones are juusstt on the edge of offending somebody.
Made me giggle. Nice one.

[Radders]

metallilad, on 21 November 2014 - 08:03 AM, said:

The best ones are juusstt on the edge of offending somebody.
Made me giggle. Nice one.

Its more fun than discussing town at the moment

[Spire-Power]

metallilad, on 21 November 2014 - 08:03 AM, said:

The best ones are juusstt on the edge of offending somebody.
Made me giggle. Nice one.

The one about the little girl? Everyone's got to be so careful what they say these days !

[The Earl of Chesterfield]

The biggest comedian at the moment has gotta be Dave Whelan.

In a Seventies lounge suit, dickie-tie and leaning on his microphone kinda way of course.

Come on, admit it, how many couldn't help chuckling at just how cringworthy his recent comments were...

[metallilad]

MDCCCLXVI, on 21 November 2014 - 07:00 PM, said:

The biggest comedian at the moment has gotta be Dave Whelan.

In a Seventies lounge suit, dickie-tie and leaning on his microphone kinda way of course.

Come on, admit it, how many couldn't help chuckling at just how cringworthy his recent comments were...

I think he was being honest. He is an old fella who (and we all have got to admit) is doing his level best to keep his football club where he believes it belongs. He's appointed a manager that has had a rich foreigner do a publicity job on him, and he is defending him. He's said some stuff that at some stage or another most of us have said ourselves (or very similar words to that effect) and he is being lambasted for them.
I am sick & tired of living in a country where were supposed to have "free speech" but we can't say what we want because we may just offend somebody through saying it!
Now, I agree that certain words shouldn't be used when it comes to describing races but is what Dave Whelan said worth all the bad publicity that it's getting, even more so is it worth reporting him to the FA to see if he's worthy of owning a football club when he single handedly took them through the league to the top tier of English football?

Sounds like somebody else is trying to make a name for themselves to me.

This post has been edited by metallilad: 21 November 2014 - 10:19 PM

[Spire-Power]

metallilad, on 21 November 2014 - 10:18 PM, said:

I think he was being honest. He is an old fella who (and we all have got to admit) is doing his level best to keep his football club where he believes it belongs. He's appointed a manager that has had a rich foreigner do a publicity job on him, and he is defending him. He's said some stuff that at some stage or another most of us have said ourselves (or very similar words to that effect) and he is being lambasted for them.
I am sick & tired of living in a country where were supposed to have "free speech" but we can't say what we want because we may just offend somebody through saying it!
Now, I agree that certain words shouldn't be used when it comes to describing races but is what Dave Whelan said worth all the bad publicity that it's getting, even more so is it worth reporting him to the FA to see if he's worthy of owning a football club when he single handedly took them through the league to the top tier of English football?

Sounds like somebody else is trying to make a name for themselves to me.

League 1 or 2?

[moondog]

metallilad, on 21 November 2014 - 10:18 PM, said:

I think he was being honest. He is an old fella who (and we all have got to admit) is doing his level best to keep his football club where he believes it belongs. He's appointed a manager that has had a rich foreigner do a publicity job on him, and he is defending him. He's said some stuff that at some stage or another most of us have said ourselves (or very similar words to that effect) and he is being lambasted for them.
I am sick & tired of living in a country where were supposed to have "free speech" but we can't say what we want because we may just offend somebody through saying it!
Now, I agree that certain words shouldn't be used when it comes to describing races but is what Dave Whelan 2said worth all the bad publicity that it's getting, even more so is it worth reporting him to the FA to see if he's worthy of owning a football club when he single handedly took them through the league to the top tier of English football?

Sounds like somebody else is trying to make a name for themselves to me.

Agreed, we all know those of the same generation will say such things, doing it publicly was no more than naive

[Radders]

metallilad, on 21 November 2014 - 10:18 PM, said:

I think he was being honest. He is an old fella who (and we all have got to admit) is doing his level best to keep his football club where he believes it belongs. He's appointed a manager that has had a rich foreigner do a publicity job on him, and he is defending him. He's said some stuff that at some stage or another most of us have said ourselves (or very similar words to that effect) and he is being lambasted for them.
I am sick & tired of living in a country where were supposed to have "free speech" but we can't say what we want because we may just offend somebody through saying it!
Now, I agree that certain words shouldn't be used when it comes to describing races but is what Dave Whelan said worth all the bad publicity that it's getting, even more so is it worth reporting him to the FA to see if he's worthy of owning a football club when he single handedly took them through the league to the top tier of English football?

Sounds like somebody else is trying to make a name for themselves to me.

Oh well thats sucked the enjoyment out of this thread!